Duality

4 days into my leave of absence, the wind has blown me many places. Kite skiing with Dawn and Russ, metaphysical counseling, and to a photography exhibit at the Provincial Museum. And, believe it or not, yesterday, the wind blew me back to work. There was some rule, hidden deep within the ancient texts of human resources, which stated I had to work one day before they would grant me a leave.

Armed with my "Grumpy Bear" T-shirt under my scrubs, I put my OT hat back on and went to work. I have to admit I was pretty pissy about the entire affair. However, when I got to work, I found myself actually enjoying it. As I got into the elevator, I thought, "at what point do we become complacent with our jobs and our daily routine?" At what point is it easier to just do what is routine and second nature, providing us with a shroud to protect us from areas of our life that are too painful? My mind was so focused on having 4 months off, and having the opportunity to delve into areas of my life outside of work. Then I find myself in the elevator at work, less than a week after starting my leave, and enjoying it. What?! What happened to my feelings of introspection? And my vow to not even think about work for 4 months?

It made me wonder, what are my true feelings? Are they the sadness I was feeling driving to work, or the happiness at work? Take that one step further…I am always thinking about Cam and missing him. But, what about those few times when I can say I actually had some fun. How does one define their true feelings over and above a sense of distraction or denial of them? At what point does one show up for work, knowing it is the last place they want to be, and then put a smile on their face and get the job done? Is this complacency? Is it true self-satisfaction? Or is it partly deceitful, leaving you unaware of other areas of your life that need urgent attention? Does it make it too easy to never attend to those dark places of the soul?

What about my self-identity? Right now, almost 100% of my self-identity is created through my role as an OT. If someone asks, "what do you do?" all I have to respond with is "I am an OT." Without racing, and training, and without Cam, how do I define myself in the world? Our loved ones are our emotional anchors and our mirrors. When Cam died I lost that mirror of myself. Cam helped to define me. He supported me, encouraged me, and was proud of my accomplishments. Through him, I defined myself. With the death of your "mirror" you lose the image of how that person sees you. You lose that unconditional reflection of your importance in the world, which is magnified because it is seen through the eyes of someone you love so much. You lose that emotional anchor in all you do.

I have never wanted to be defined solely by my work. Since Cam died, the fact that this is all I have to define myself has become increasingly stressful. I need that life outside of my job to make it feel like it is all worthwhile. I found work was giving me an avenue to fill the void, all the while, leaving me too drained to focus on the other areas of my self-identity. For other people, maybe work gives them solid ground to stand on, when they don't know who they are otherwise. I suppose everyone is different.

So, now I am on a leave. Now I don't have work (except for yesterday!). I don't have my OT role, but I do, but I don't, and I miss it, but I don't. And I don't have Cam (but I do) and I don't have biking (but I do), and I don't know who I am outside of work (but I do). And, I am happy, but I am sad. I'm sa-ppy. Sappy. Sad and happy all at the same time. I am loneful, angrathetic, hopcared, and have smears. (Loneful = lonely and full, Angrathetic = angry and apathetic, Hopcared = hopeful and scared, Smears = smiling and tears).

My friend Lori reminded me that we live in a society that sees life as black and white, when really it is all grey. We live in a society where it is expected that we are either good or bad, happy or sad, still "depressed" or "over it." Lori reminded me that it isn't about that at all. It is the duality of everything in our lives. The good and the bad, the ability to begin to feel whole again, but never get "over it." The fact that I enjoyed my day of work, but am glad to be on a leave. The fact that I love rehabilitation and everything OT stands for, but not right now. It is both/and…

It's not that I have my true feelings competing with feelings of distraction and denial, it is that I have both. It's not that I have to love or hate work, I can do both. My leave from work is going to be good and bad. I am going to feel like I am addressing one area of my self-identity, while losing another. I miss Cam terribly and have had fun without him. I have lost aspects of my self-identity and have gained some as well.

Sigh, here I am trying to make it all sound black and white. 1 or 5 or 10 examples aren't going to make it any clearer than it already is (or isn't). I suppose it is one of those things that is simply understood, yet, and at the same time, not understood at all!