I have always found writing therapeutic and tonight I have successfully purged something…not sure what…but something fierce.

People always ask me how I am or what is new. I always respond with a lie (usually "OK" or "nothing"), and then proceed with a narrative in my head about what I wished I could say. What I wished that person knew or understood that I cannot actually vocalize. I can't find the voice to say it for a variety of reasons, but the primary one being that I am afraid of losing control. Like I did today.

Lori asked me "Are you OK today? You seem off." I decided to tell the truth and proceeded to cry for the remainder of the day. Yep, that's right. I cried for 12.5 hours straight. The people in the cafeteria at work, at the lunchtime in-service, the gas station and the tailors are probably wondering who the crazy lady is.

So I got home tonight and wrote, and cried and wrote some more. In fact, as I type I am still crying and I am starting to wonder if I will actually stop by tomorrow, seeing as I am going onto hour 13. Anyway, I wanted to share an excerpt from my journal, at least to give myself the peace of mind that I can be truthful about how I am really feeling. I am not sure if it is a poem or a narrative or perhaps more of a stream of consciousness. Anyway, it is called:

Write What is Too Hard to Say

How am I? You ask.
"OK" seems worse than fine,
but more socially appropriate than
dying inside.

If you really want to know:
My thoughts are like freight trains
roaring through my brain, all day and all night
My stomach feels sick
My legs feel weak
And NO, I am not eating
It is tough to swallow when it feels like someone is squeezing my air pipe.

What's new? You ask
I smelt Cam last night, on his clothes
And sobbed into them
And agonized about throwing away a plastic bag that smelt like him
And rolled it up and put it aside
And unrolled it and smelt it
And rolled it up and put it aside
And unrolled it and smelt it
And rolled it up and put it aside
And unrolled it and smelt it and
Threw it away.

I brought Cam home today
He sat in the back seat
In a box of ashes
3cm squared
And I sobbed into the box to.

And everything I do
I think
I am alone, and I am going home alone, and sleeping alone
And I want to scream
LEAVE ME ALONE
So I can get used to this feeling
Because it is hard to rely on other people,
When I just want to rely on Cam.

But I want to scream
THIS IS HOW HURT I AM.