On Normalcy

Hmmm. I guess the 7-month mark is when a grieving person is expected to get back to normal.

I am actually surprised it took this long. Some books say that this expectation often arises 3 months after a death. Through my blog, I have made it my personal mission to make a point that things don't return to "normal" at 1,3, 6, or 7 months after a death. And, as a pre-emptive entry….for maybe even a year or two or ten.

Now, to get to the heart of the matter. When will things be back to normal?

In order to answer this question, one must consider what is normal? What is my normal? Hmmm. What era of my life should I examine to determine this "normal" level of function? Do I examine my life from before I met Cam? Before he died? Before Christmas? I'm not sure when or how to create my baseline. Besides, isn't this whole process forcing me to live in the past? Wouldn't want to do that….

Does it mean racing? training? Well, if so then it negates the normal way I lived when I played basketball and took step aerobics. Is normal when I was at University? I mean, I could go back. I have always thought about getting my masters.

Or is it likes and dislikes: I like cheese (always have). I like biking (for the past 8 years). I like exercise (always). The outdoors (always). I don't like cooked fish (although began eating sushi about 3 years ago). I don't like olives (unless they are the fancy ones). Hmmm. Nope. This is to variable to describe a state of "normal."

Maybe normal has to do with one's personality traits. Hmmm. I would say that I have always been a quiet person (ok, that still applies). Meek yet thoughtful (check). Fiery when tested (oh yeah). Adventurous (at times to the point of stupidity). Sensitive and caring (to a point of damage). Intelligent (I try to grow intellectually), dedicated (yep), motivated (in my opinion)…oh, the list goes on.

This could work. Personality traits seem to have the ability to stand the test of time. More or less. Although, how do you explain that ever since Cam died I have major gaps in my memory (not very intelligent). Or, the fact that I have lost all motivation because I am so emotionally drained. Did you know that people in grief actually release an enzyme that effects cognitive and physical function? It causes memory loss, physical pains, dehydration and a whole wack of other symptoms. Hmmm. It seems like even my body chemistry isn't normal.

So, as a motivated, intellectual woman, I decided to look up the definition of normal. This is what the ol' internet had to say:

nor·mal
adj.
1. Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical: normal room temperature; one's normal weight; normal diplomatic relations. Ok, not very helpful. I don't have much to conform with or adhere to. No matter what anyone says, my situation is unique to me. My life experience, my views, my opinions, my feelings and my thoughts make it impossible for my life to be standard, typical or in anyway adhering to the conventional norm. No way.

2. Biology Functioning or occurring in a natural way; lacking observable abnormalities or deficiencies. I think I am functioning in a natural way. Grief is a natural process. I don't even think I have "abnormalities" because so far I have been unable to figure out exactly what "normal" is. I can't really define what is abnormal, now can I?

3. Relating to or characterized by average intelligence or development. Well, I got honours in school, I guess that means I am "above" average intelligence. High 5.

4. Free from mental illness; sane. Did you know that Freud actually describes grief as a temporary bout of bipolar disorder? Guess that is not "normal" either.

5. Something normal; the standard: scored close to the normal. Not helpful

6. The usual or expected state, form, amount, or degree. Expected by whom? Other 28year olds that have never watched the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with die?

7. Correspondence to a norm. Do I even need to ask the question?


Then I found a definition on Wikipdia. It's abstract. It doesn't answer my question. It makes me think more than find a solution. It holds no expectation, no societal judgement. It doesn't talk about standards, and patterns, and norms. It creates an impression of fluidity, impermanence, and individuality. It inspires me to create normalcy as I go.

I love it. To me it's right.

What is normalcy? "The good old days that never were." (P. Massie)